Laya Seghi

Laya is a consummate friend of Cardthartic. A respected holistic therapist for more than 40 years, she has helped both our founder Jodee and CEO Ana grow personally and professionally. While she did not write the card above, she helps many live it.

When Cardthartic’s Creative team needs insight on how to best approach challenging card-sending situations such as condolence and grief support, Laya is our go-to. Along with being wise and well-spoken, she is fun and upbeat and clever as all get-out! Even in the darkest times, our hearts feel lighter after a session with Laya. To everyone who visits layaseghi.com — client or not — she offers valuable tools for “taking nervous out of the nervous system.” All FREE.

Laya lost her beloved husband, artist Tom Seghi, more than a decade ago and has since drawn on the sadness of that experience to help others through the grieving process. Following are words of wisdom she has on making it through the holidays after a loss:

“The first holiday after losing a spouse or life partner can feel like loss upon loss. Bad enough to go through the strangeness of life after the death of the person you held dear, but having the holiday approach — just because it’s on the calendar — without that person near seems like an affront, an indignity that must be endured.

“Holidays are times of celebration—fine fashion, rituals revisited, ceremonies observed, and conviviality around the table as festive meals are shared. Anticipation of a holiday is generally light-hearted and cheerful. However, for anyone who has suffered loss or trauma, the opposite is true. The thought of commemorating a holiday after losing one’s partner is dreadful. At times it can be an overwhelming challenge.

“Grief is hard work and demands one’s attention. There is no extra energy left for meal planning or gaiety, for socializing and merrymaking. When someone is grieving, approaching a holiday is usually done with a heavy heart, full of multiple memories and deep longing.”

Preparing Oneself
“Preparing for the holidays without a partner inevitably brings up memories of the way it used to be. Since ‘the way it was’ can never be possible again, stepping into the same holiday routines of the past can be painful. It can be helpful for those who’ve lost a partner to choose alternatives, such as changing the location or company of holiday celebrations. For some, establishing new rituals, like visiting the cemetery or making a donation in memory of the partner, can help. Trusting one’s intuition — rather than following traditional routines or expectations — can be the best way to navigate the holidays as a new widow.”

As Time Passes
“The anguish in the first year of grief is unfathomable. How is it even possible that the second year could feel worse, and yet, it often does. Surviving the first year may require skills mourners never exercised before — interfacing with lawyers, insurance agents, financial planners, and more. They have to take on tasks and responsibilities that were previously shared just to keep their head above water, all while gradually integrating the reality that their partner is gone.

“After managing tumultuous emotions and new demands, survivors might expect to feel a sense of relief. However, after the first year, they recognize that despite their survival, there is no reward, no celebration. The sad reality of the loss has not been transformed. The partner’s absence will be forever, and the grim fact that nothing can change that can feel even worse in the second year.”

Supporting Someone Who is Grieving
“There are no absolute rules about what helps or hurts during grief. Different people have different capacities to be present for someone else’s grief. Family members are also likely grieving. Widows or widowers may hesitate to burden their children, sharing their grief only to a certain point. Their loss is different from what their child feels, and without sensitivity, grief can collide, leading to hurt feelings.

The grief may also last longer than family members can tolerate. Whether real or perceived, the expectation to “get over it” can add pressure. True empathy is a balm, always appreciated, while anything less may be frustrating. Ultimately, a widow learns to whom she can open up to share the hole in her heart.”