Dec 17, 202 – A Cardie once shared with us her strong sense that “Cardthartic cards help give people permission to feel.” Sensorially, this design surely does that for me as I want to alternately hold and be that kitty!
The card’s sentiment began as a voicemail longtime friend and Contributing Cardie Astrid Sheil left for me one day years ago. Astrid was just being her loving self and had no way of knowing that I’d hear her message during a break in hours of painful oral surgery. I explained later how perfect her timing was and how her comforting words had carried me through a very vulnerable time.
I happened to be back in that dentist’s chair yesterday (as the never-ending saga continues 🥴) and so was reminded of how amazingly nurturing it is when caring friends like Astrid make their feelings known. And that prompted me to want to share the wise counsel of Contributing Cardie Lauren Rowell yet again.
We’ve published this amazing writer’s thoughts in several Cardie Newsletters because Lauren is so committed to courageously sharing what she’s learned from being among the 60 million Americans known to be struggling with mental health challenges. She’s also lost her share of loved ones, so she knows well the toll grieving can take, especially at this “most wonderful time of the year.”
So how can caring Cardies honor the emotions of sadness, grief, and anxiety that can come with the holidays? And how might we go about putting our concern and compassion into words and action?
“We begin by acknowledging hurt,” Lauren says, “we don’t pretend it isn’t there. We recognize that, for some, the holidays can bring up all kinds of losses, both fresh or otherwise. For the more than three million families who lost a loved one in this past year alone, this will be the first time there will be an empty chair at the holiday table. Simply acknowledging those losses is a caring and comforting way to remind people that they are both thought of and loved.
“In notes to those approaching the dreaded ‘firsts,’” Lauren explains, “I often write that I am praying that they will sense the best way to remember/honor their loved one at the holidays – whether that is by spending time with others or by quiet reflective time alone.
“Other families you know may be facing big, loaded questions like, ‘How do we equitably juggle the kids’ time between parents this first holiday after the divorce?’ ‘How do I handle gift-giving this year when money is so tight?’ ‘While working so hard on my sobriety, am I really up to going to gatherings where there will be lots of alcohol and then fielding questions and pressures to ‘have just a glass?’”
Lauren points out, “Many people battle chronic health issues that may not be perceivable to the outside observer, yet bring their own set of challenges. Both physical and mental health conditions can leave one exhausted, struggling to find the energy and emotional stamina for get-togethers. As one who both battles mental illness and who is still grieving a beloved uncle’s passing five years ago on Christmas Day, what I have found connects most deeply with those I write to is to extend a lot of grace for people to come as they are and feel what they feel. Let people know they are seen and accepted wherever they may be. Instead of looking for just the right present, choose to be present for someone who is hurting. Send a note that simply says something like, ‘I am remembering you during this challenging time.’
“You might take this a step further by inviting someone who is struggling to join you in an activity or accompany you to a social event,” Lauren suggests, “if they so choose. Be willing to graciously accept their ‘No, thank you’ if it comes. As a person with anxiety,” she shares, “sometimes going out to an event or even gathering with an established group of close friends is very overwhelming for me … but being invited still makes me feel seen and loved. Being thought of matters, whether the decision is to participate or not.
“Which brings up the important point that extending grace means considering ‘No’ a perfectly acceptable response,” she emphasizes. “It’s natural to want to take a loved one’s pain away, but we are not capable of that. And when we press our ideas, share platitudes, or attempt in any way to ‘fix’ (no matter how pure the heart and intention behind the act), the wound may just deepen and the person may begin to feel like they’ve become more of a project than a cared-for companion.
“Loneliness and pain are heavy things,” Lauren reminds us, “so feeling seen and cared for makes a world of difference. For those who do not find this the most wonderful time of the year, gentleness, tenderness, truly loving and seeing the other — all are the actions and words people long to see and hear.”
As if her perspective was not powerful enough, Lauren wrote the first amazing card you’ll see below. With appreciation for her wisdom and Astrid’s kind heart, here’s to love and hugs for every caring Cardie in this compassionate community.
Jodee Stevens
Founder & Chief Creative
Dec 17, 2024 – A Cardie once shared with us her strong sense that “Cardthartic cards help give people permission to feel.” Sensorially, this design surely does that for me as I want to alternately hold and be that kitty!
The card’s sentiment began as a voicemail longtime friend and Contributing Cardie Astrid Sheil left for me one day years ago. Astrid was just being her loving self and had no way of knowing that I’d hear her message during a break in hours of painful oral surgery. I explained later how perfect her timing was and how her comforting words had carried me through a very vulnerable time.
I happened to be back in that dentist’s chair yesterday (as the never-ending saga continues 🥴) and so was reminded of how amazingly nurturing it is when caring friends like Astrid make their feelings known. And that prompted me to want to share the wise counsel of Contributing Cardie Lauren Rowell yet again.
We’ve published this amazing writer’s thoughts in several Cardie Newsletters because Lauren is so committed to courageously sharing what she’s learned from being among the 60 million Americans known to be struggling with mental health challenges. She’s also lost her share of loved ones, so she knows well the toll grieving can take, especially at this “most wonderful time of the year.”
So how can caring Cardies honor the emotions of sadness, grief, and anxiety that can come with the holidays? And how might we go about putting our concern and compassion into words and action?
“We begin by acknowledging hurt,” Lauren says, “we don’t pretend it isn’t there. We recognize that, for some, the holidays can bring up all kinds of losses, both fresh or otherwise. For the more than three million families who lost a loved one in this past year alone, this will be the first time there will be an empty chair at the holiday table. Simply acknowledging those losses is a caring and comforting way to remind people that they are both thought of and loved.
“In notes to those approaching the dreaded ‘firsts,’” Lauren explains, “I often write that I am praying that they will sense the best way to remember/honor their loved one at the holidays – whether that is by spending time with others or by quiet reflective time alone.
“Other families you know may be facing big, loaded questions like, ‘How do we equitably juggle the kids’ time between parents this first holiday after the divorce?’ ‘How do I handle gift-giving this year when money is so tight?’ ‘While working so hard on my sobriety, am I really up to going to gatherings where there will be lots of alcohol and then fielding questions and pressures to ‘have just a glass?’”
Lauren points out, “Many people battle chronic health issues that may not be perceivable to the outside observer, yet bring their own set of challenges. Both physical and mental health conditions can leave one exhausted, struggling to find the energy and emotional stamina for get-togethers. As one who both battles mental illness and who is still grieving a beloved uncle’s passing five years ago on Christmas Day, what I have found connects most deeply with those I write to is to extend a lot of grace for people to come as they are and feel what they feel. Let people know they are seen and accepted wherever they may be. Instead of looking for just the right present, choose to be present for someone who is hurting. Send a note that simply says something like, ‘I am remembering you during this challenging time.’
“You might take this a step further by inviting someone who is struggling to join you in an activity or accompany you to a social event,” Lauren suggests, “if they so choose. Be willing to graciously accept their ‘No, thank you’ if it comes. As a person with anxiety,” she shares, “sometimes going out to an event or even gathering with an established group of close friends is very overwhelming for me … but being invited still makes me feel seen and loved. Being thought of matters, whether the decision is to participate or not.
“Which brings up the important point that extending grace means considering ‘No’ a perfectly acceptable response,” she emphasizes. “It’s natural to want to take a loved one’s pain away, but we are not capable of that. And when we press our ideas, share platitudes, or attempt in any way to ‘fix’ (no matter how pure the heart and intention behind the act), the wound may just deepen and the person may begin to feel like they’ve become more of a project than a cared-for companion.
“Loneliness and pain are heavy things,” Lauren reminds us, “so feeling seen and cared for makes a world of difference. For those who do not find this the most wonderful time of the year, gentleness, tenderness, truly loving and seeing the other — all are the actions and words people long to see and hear.”
As if her perspective was not powerful enough, Lauren wrote the first amazing card you’ll see below. With appreciation for her wisdom and Astrid’s kind heart, here’s to love and hugs for every caring Cardie in this compassionate community.
Jodee Stevens
Founder & Chief Creative
Thank you, Lauren, for these reminders. God bless every Cardie this holiday season. xoxo
Have you ever experienced emotional, debilitating pain like never before in your life?
Recently I did.
Many of those who I hold dear offered kind, comforting, inspiring words that will live on in my heart forever.
Others, who I assume didn’t ‘know what to say’ chose to say nothing and act like ALL IS WELL.
It was a lost opportunity that they didn’t say to themselves ‘I don’t know what to say however for sure I will find the best words to help my friend in a card on cardthartic.com.’
You must reach out to someone in pain even when you are at a loss for words. Cards can help you do that. Otherwise, your loss might be the hurt friend.